Sticky Hands, Warm Heart

Being a mom of 2 has definitely been a challenge. Couple that of course with moving and the many other stresses of life right now and I might as well be fitted for a straight-jacket!

The funny thing about coming home from the hospital with a newborn in my arms and a 3 year old awaiting is the moment you lock eyes with your first born only to know that "this is it"...the moment her life will change forever. It's not just R and D and Wyn makes three anymore. This is the Ross FAMILY. I remember a similar experience when we brought Wyndham home from the hospital. My parents had kept Ella (our 100lb black lab) for us for a few weeks after we got home to give us some alone time with Wyndham. The moment that Ella galloped back into our yard, I thought, "This is it...our first baby isn't the baby anymore"... I of course, cannot even being to compare Wyndham to our dog (!), but there is a similar epiphany involved...life changes.

I am happy to say that Wyndham has been doing outstanding as a big sis. She loves "Baby Sophie" and can't wait to help, to talk to her, and her favorite, "pet her head". She drags her desk chair up to the crib, leans in and says things like, "It's ok sweetheart. Don't cry. You're ok. We love you." She likes to sit in her pint-size rocker next to me with her baby dolls and feed and rock them to sleep while I do the same with Sophia. It's very cute.

On other fronts though, she has found her three year old stride as every other question is WHY, everything she touches breaks, and defiance is the name of the game. Here is a typical conversation with Wyndham:

W- Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy
D- What hon?
W- Mommy look at me. Mommy, look at my face. I'm going to tell you something. Everybody listen.
D-What is it Wyn?
W- (looking around for something to say...this usually takes 30 seconds or longer)...ummm...Why were we not born when Jesus made the world?
D-Uhhh..well, God knew about us even then Wyndham, but he hadn't created us yet.
W- Why?
D- Because it was a very long time ago...
W- Why was it a long time ago?
D- Because the world has been around a long time and many other people had to be born before it was our turn.
W- Why? Why does Jesus live in Heaven? Can we get wings and fly up and play with his toys?
D- Someday Wyn, When Jesus comes back to take us home to be with Him.
W-Why does He do that?
D- Do what?
W- Why does he take us to heaven?

You can see where this is going...in circles! I will say however, most of these conversations inevitably lead to a four point presentation of the gospel. Even if the conversation begins with something random like, "Why can't giants carry our house to Chicago?"...Somehow we always end up talking about the depravity of man... in "toddlerease" of course:)

Wyndham has been Randy's "special friend" these last few weeks too. As much as he loves this, he is trying to finish the attic remodel before we move...toddlers and powertools don't mix. I can't tell you how many times I am sitting in the nursery downstairs only to hear 30 seconds of little feet running around in our room, followed by the crash of some tool on the floor, followed by a loud reprimand from Randy, followed by 3 minutes of wailing (Wyndham), followed by 3 minutes of silence (Wyndham in time out), followed by laughing and giggling as Randy and Wyn (apparently NOT in time-out anymore) resolve the issue at hand. Story of my life... :)

Yesterday, Wyndham had been getting on my last nerve. She was doing flips on the couch, which knocked her glass of milk ONTO the couch, and then she proceeded to fall and hit her elbow on the coffee table. Later in the day, I was hoping to have some special "mommy and Wyn" time with her to make up for the morning disaster, so I commissioned her to help me to prepare dinner. This turned out to be disaster #2 as every piece of fruit I cut up, she popped into her mouth instead of the bowl. It's a little difficult to make fruit pizza if there is no fruit. When she started getting into the knife drawer and brandishing it as weaponry, I knew we were done.

I occupied her with something else only to come back to my cooking in the kitchen. I was preparing Williamsburg Soup from scratch, and a fruit pizza for dessert. I went on with my recipe which involved making "gravy cream" to add to the broth. Well...mush-brain me didn't smell the jar of what I thought was FLOUR before I put it into the soup...Yeah...it was powdered sugar. Powdered sugar and Chicken broth don't make a great combo.

It had taken me nearly and hour and a half to cut up all of the ingredients for the soup, and in one swift cloud of white, it was ruined. My sugar-cookie fruit pizza dough didn't cook well either. It over flowed from the side of the pan and starting burning in the bottom of the oven. A few moments after the smoke cleared, I cut my finger on a knife and was bleeding profusely all over the floor...I had no option but to bawl like a baby and run to my room.

Wyndham, ever so concerned with mommy, ran after me. "Why you cry like a baby mommy?" she asked as she tenderly stroked my hair. "Let me kiss your boo boo". I told her it was more than that, Mommy was stressed out because nothing seems to be going right and she is worrying about life. I went on to share that God tells us not to worry though, so mommy needs to pray to ask Him for help.

"I will pray with you mommy" she said and she grabbed my bloody finger and bowed her head and closed her eyes. "Dear De-Jus, please help mommy's boo boo and make her not to worry. In De-Jus name, Amen."

Could this tiny little being who had been annoying me all day have such insight, such awareness? Toddlers are fascinating people. I'm so thankful that God communicates with us through our children...tiny, sticky hands and all.

The problem with pain

God has provided a clear path for our family..so why do I still hurt?
I have been experiencing something very new and very real lately-- pain. Pain so deep, there are times it takes my breath away. I know that we have much to be thankful for, and it is comforting to know that we will soon begin a new chapter in our lives in Chicago...but I can't erase the last year of our lives so as to avoid thinking of everything that "almost was".

We moved to Minerva ready to serve, ready to connect and ready to settle. I never in my wildest dreams imagined living in a small country town in the middle of Ohio...but everything seemed to be coming together so perfectly, it was the obvious step. We had been married several years, had started a family and were ready to settle down. I was ready to step away from teaching for the time being and support Randy in any way that I could while doing the other most underpaid job in the world- being a mom:)

Something I have learned about myself over the years is that I struggle with trusting and a voracious desire to control. In the beginning of our marriage, this played out in my ability to teach and have that "stable" salaried job. This caused a lot of contention between Randy and I..thankfully, that has changed a great deal..especially over the last year. Needless to say, it was something I could do- something I could control..something that gave me "safety".

My perfectionism has also been an out-working of the same inward issue--everything has to be done a certain way...every detail of my job, my life...even my house and how I organize certain things. Life has always had a certain "order" to it.

Living with family- having half of our earthly possessions in storage for almost 2 years was quite a challenge for a person like me. Trying to be a self-sufficient family when you live with 3 other adults was a challenge and not having any marital privacy tends to wear on you after a while. I think that it was tolerable only because I had a healthy hope for the future..the idea that, "it will all be worth it when this is over."

I still have this hope...but am carrying some battle wounds. Having relationships and your hopes and dreams for the future ripped away from you in such a cruel and unjust way is painful. What makes it worse is that we have committed to walking away in the most Christ-like way that we can. This means...we are leaving quietly. Not only does this drive me insane because I want to shout from the rooftops the truth of what happened at this church, but also, because almost all of our relationships, our ministry, our whole world was cut off at the knees before it had really gotten started.

It's an inescapable pain. The kind that causes restless sleep and hits you like a brick wall the second the dreams have cleared from your head each morning. My heart aches so much there are times my chest actually hurts.

This pain has manifested itself in more than one way... the birth of our beautiful Sophia was quite eventful if you've read the previous blog. The birth was so fast, there was no time for any medical intervention. Now, I know that women have been doing this for thousands of years, but when you are truly caught in a situation like this, panic sets in. I think I have been struggling with a bit of "post-birth" trauma since then. The pain was so intense, and no one could do anything for me. I just had to... endure it...I stared into the faces of the doctors, nurses and Randy and suddenly knew...this is it. I have to fight.

Even as all of the details of our move are worked out, I still have days where I feel that we are just "enduring" it...Randy keeps reminding me that that is exactly what Christ did for us...The other night before bed, I was sharing all of these connections with Randy, and he reminded me of who I called on for help during the birth...It was Jesus. Over and over again... I called on Jesus. I couldn't save myself, Randy couldn't...even the trained professionals couldn't... He was right.

It was the deepest most profound experience of my life. A situation where there was truly nothing left except dependence on God. I say I have faith...I call myself a Christian...but until I had nothing left, I still was trying to face life on my own strength--alone. I'm embarrassed to say that it took something so extreme to learn this lesson, but I am so thankful that God cared enough to allow it.

The places that used to fit me...

"When You lead me to the valley of vision
I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn’t be my decision
It’s here Your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley’s where You make me more like Christ


Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You’re near with every breath
In the valley


In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley’s where Your power is revealed"

Adapted from The Valley of Vision- a collection of puritan prayers and writings

So it seems that God is calling us away from Minerva, and into a new community... where to begin? So many of you have been on this journey with us these past 3 months, so to repeat the story and reasons why we are leaving would only be redundant. The bottom line is- God has spared us from a situation that would put our consciences in a place of compromise, and we are thankful for His provision. When you stand for your convictions, you often stand alone...but we are thankful for the few who have spoken truth and taken their own stands during this trying time along side of us.

Where am I at? What I am thinking/learning/praying about/struggling through...? Here are a few things... in no particular order...

1. There is no one worth serving more than Jesus Christ

2. People attend church for all kinds of reasons...many of which are selfish and not God-honoring. I myself have been guilty of this at times, but God has taught us that the chief end of man is "to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever". Church isn't a social club...it's not just a place that does great works in the local community and serves AIDS victims in Africa. While these all have a place, the main function of church is to develop the people of God... it is to be a community of BELIEVERS who are learning, praying together and living out God's commandments within a structure of ACCOUNTABILITY and love.

3. I love my husband more deeply and honestly than I knew possible.

4. Worship isn't just music.. in fact, if I hear, "I just can't worship through that kind of music" one more time, I think I will go insane. Worship is meant for GOD... not ourselves. While we are all entitled to our musical tastes and preferences, music is NOT more important than the preaching of the true Word of God. Why are we so petty?

5. Insecurity breeds lies, jealousy and all kinds of other evil.

6. The bond of Christ through the holy spirit can bring all kinds of people, from all walks of life together in friendship...and bond them for eternity.

7. By nature, we are all rebels who hate being under God's authority. We love ourselves more than God, and seek to do our own will before His. Thank you gracious Lord for providing a sacrifice for our many sins.

8. Being able to articulate your faith is one of your most important possessions...especially being able to explain what it truly means to be "saved". It isn't just about, "I was bad and did bad things, but I said a prayer and now I'm trying to be good"..it's about realizing your sin...realizing that by nature, You CAN'T be good. Our only hope is to turn to Jesus and in humility, put on HIS righteosness as our own. Inviting the Holy Spirit to influence and live in in our "hearts" is the only way to this new life.

9. Marketing a church based on all of the things you are NOT typically means that you don't know what you ARE.

10. Seeker-sensitive is an inaccurate label...the bible says that "No one seeks after God".

11. No amount of programming, marketing, cool music, entertaining videos, coffee bars and artsy presentations can replace the true expository preaching of God's Word.

12. People that seek to please and puff up men instead of God will inevitably fail.

13. People that stay silent through injustice to protect their comfortable positions will someday be accountable for their passivity.

14. It isn't up to me to try and interpret the WHYs of life...it is up to me to trust that God does all things to protect His name and bring those that claim to know Him into obedience with His truth.

15. Minerva's water smells like eggs and makes all of our white underwear turn orange in the wash... :)

16. I am thankful for my loving and supportive family.

17. Church isn't about wearing suits and ties...it's also not about wearing jeans and t-shirts...again- why are we so wrapped up in these things?

18. If you choose to "take up your cross and follow Christ", you are guaranteed pain and persecution in this life...thankfully, we know the ending to the story.

19. "Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds"...Perseverance is something that you can only learn from opposition and pain.

20. The prosperity gospel is a marketing scam.

21. God is great, He is Holy and just and there is none like Him.

22. I struggle with materialism as evidenced by my anger over having to move away from our newly renovated house...is having a nice house more important than following God's lead?

23. I am learning to pray for my enemies and those who have wounded us.

24. I love my daughters more than my own life.

25. I will not miss living near "The Cheese Factory"...especially on a hot summer's day.

26. I WILL miss the rolling hills, the fireflies, Grinders malts, good friends and dreaming about raising our family here.

27. We will survive...and we will be stronger for it...


Randy has accepted the position of Pastor of Student Ministries at Faith Church of Grayslake in Grayslake Illinois (northern suburb of Chicago). As we gear up to travel once again, I cling to my husband, I cling to my kids, the many friendships we've made and my utter reliance on God.

"The future feels so hard and I want to go back...but the places that used to fit me, cannot hold the things I've learned...those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned..."