Theology for me has never been something I spent a great deal of time truly investing in. I grew up a PK, I have a christian education....theology was handed to me, and why would I question it? Further more, beyond just questioning it, why would I want to know and understand why certain doctrines and belief exist to begin with?
I have come to the humble conclusion that I have a LOT to learn about who God is and who I am in relation to his glory. This is not false humility by any stretch of the imagination. I recognize that I have grown up in a very comfortable world- one of protection, love, food, shelter, etc....Unfortunately, a fully protected safe existence doesn't leave much of a need for the saving grace of a Savior.
The last year has been littered with pain, struggle and brokeness. In it, I have lost an uncle to suicide, I've witnessed a divorce in my immediate family, I have watched a sibling struggle with constant pain and anger, I've watched a loved one struggle with deep depression, I have lost a friend to death, I have weeped with friends through miscarriages, job loss and have watched friends be swept away into spiritual "myths" as described in II Timothy chapter 4. These in addition to our own personal loss and separation from family and relationships in OH. At one point this past fall, I truly thought I was going to have to be hospitalized. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually-- I thought I had reached my end. The transition to IL so close to the birth of Sophia coupled with the many other stresses of life truly almost put me over the edge. Visions of my marriage dissolving, even days where I wasn't sure life was worth living anymore.
Thankfully, quietly and steadily, (and thanks to many prayers, a Godly husband and loving family) God drew me near to Him. He revealed to me that I have been believing LIES for far too long. It's as old as the Garden of Eden...does God REALLY tell us the truth? Is He who He really says He is? The answer is YES in capital letters. My spiritual weakness has revealed to me that I have a lot to learn and understand, and has reminded me that I cannot survive on my own strength.
As the Spirit has instilled in me a hunger to learn and grow, I have risen above some of the thick and blinding clouds that have surrounded me. Mind you- I have not ARRIVED...far from it. If anything, I feel like I just woke up from a 28 year slumber. God has been teaching me that trials create perseverance and dependence on God and God alone (Phil. 3:12-16).
When you have nothing left, when there is nothing you can truly do to manipulate your world and change your circumstances-- it is then that we finally realize that we have been distracted and denying the very thing that will bring us life: The love of a Father who made a way for us despite our rebellion--the obedience and sacrifice of Jesus the Son who endured God's wrath so that we wouldn't have to---and the work, power and regeneration of the Holy Spirit who guides our growth towards Christ and compels us to share the Gospel with the world.
Basically, I have realized that just because I have experienced blessing in my life, just because I have Christian parents, education, etc., just because of a number of other things.... it doesn't mean that I have a living thriving relationship and understanding of God. I have realized that if I ever feel like I have arrived I am either kidding myself, or need to repent of being prideful. I need Christ and a true understanding and trust in His truth and work more now than I ever have before....23 years after kneeling to accept Christ as my Savior to begin with!
If you are experiencing hardships, loss, fear, pain...take comfort in who God is. If your circumstances compel you to run to God, thank Him for drawing you near once again. Let us humbly keep this right perspective of who we are and who God is. Let us pray for the power of the Spirit to strengthen and teach us. We need strength in this coming age. This world is passing away- but the Good News is that the tomb is empty- the penalty is paid and we have the utter privilege of living and being in relationship to our God for eternity.
Below is a link to a sermon we recently listened to. It was given by Pastor Josh Harris from Covenant Life church. Yes- this is the same guy who wrote "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". Let me assure you, whether or not you liked or dislike that book, he has grown into a tremendous teacher and pastor. The link will lead you to a sermon entitled "Prayer for Spiritual Strength". What I like about this sermon is that he doesn't offer the typical trite answers "just do this and that and wala! Spiritual maturity!" He gets at the root of our problem- our hearts.
I encourage you to take some time to listen and reflect. It is an hour long, so you may have to plan it, but it is well worth it. Randy and I have enjoyed getting a warm beverage and settling in during these dark cold evenings to be illuminated by God's truth. I pray that you will be encouraged and convicted a we have.
2 comments:
HI! My name is Linda Quist, and I am a friend of Krysia and Eb Irving. I clicked your page from Krysia's and I want you to know that this post was the most beautiful thing I have read in a long time! And I am so thankful that you are so raw, and not afraid to tell people exactly where you have been and where you are at! Not that it matters, but I REALLY respect everything you wrote, and when I am not at work, I am going to listen to that sermon! It is people like you that are making/going to make a difference for Jesus! Thank you so much for that!
www.xanga.com/quistnshout
Sorry, this is Linda again, and I was wondering if it was ok that I post a link from my site to yours, because I would love if some of the people that read my blog could read this. I just really think many would appreciate it. But I wanted to know if that was ok with you?
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