Call it the terrible threes, call it the result of Christmas vacation, call it what you will...but Wyndham has been giving us a run for our money lately in the behavior department. Sassiness, flat out defiance, rudeness, throwing fits... you name it. Three has been such a jumble of wonderful frustration, it will definitely be one for the history books.
On this particular day, Wyndham was being her typical self-- dilly-dallying around the house while we scrambled to pack bags, bundle bodies, scrape cars and get out of the house before it was pointless to venture out at all. It was one of those days where she kept conveniently morphing into various jungle animals to escape putting on her clothes all while getting every baby blanket out of Sophie's dresser in which to create her jungle home. This of course, is taking place while the car is running in the driveway, Soph is in her car seat wailing because she's not in a moving car and Randy, headphones engulfling his hearing, is absorbed in Ipod-land. I have successfully directed hundreds of students over the years, but do you think I can get my family of four out of the door on time for anything? It's next to impossible!
Spousal communication is so important when making these family outings together. Especially to a place like Borders where I could easily get sucked in for hours. We have to remember that we have kids with us and we must set our expectations very--VERY low. Maybe we will just get coffee and play with Wyn in the kids section on a particular day, though casting a wistful gaze at the endless shelves of books that will have to wait a few more years to read. This day was different in that I was looking for a particular book for someone and needed some alone time in which to comb the store and find it. Randy graciously obliged me and took kid-duty in the children's section while I got to wander the store for a few minutes and savor the quiet.
Borders isn't my favorite store to browse for good Christian literature, but I always breeze through the section anyway. I picked up Lee Strobel's classic, "A Case for Faith" and flipped through it a bit. A family in our church has a student who is claiming to be an atheist, and his parents are trying to convince him to read some books with them that might shed some light on some of the things he is struggling with. My mind immediately went to our present situation here in IL. We have been pretty financially strapped these past few months as we have been trying to cover our mortgage back in OH while also covering our rent here. Every month has been a test of faith to see how it will come together. By God's grace, we have paid our bills and haven't missed a meal, but it has definitely been a daily giving-over-to-the- Lord. As I pondered these things, I began to think of how, for the first time in my life, I've really had to live by faith and not by sight. I have been really reflecting on giving over my whole self, my hopes dreams, etc. to God's will and to the furthering of the Gospel....lost in my thoughts, I finally snapped to and realized I should rescue Randy and give him some browsing time too.
I made my way back to the kids section and waded through the enormous pile of books Wyndham had managed to stack up in my absence. We gave Wyn some clean-up instructions and began the long process of trying to put the books back where they actually belonged. Wyndham was not too keen on the prospect of leaving and began to protest LOUDLY. She wanted to put every book back BY HERSELF she informed us. We told her that we would ALL join the effort and that it was time to go. As Randy and I stood back and admired the newly cleaned floor, we looked around and realized that Wyndham was nowhere to be found. Thinking that she was just around the corner or hiding in the puppet tree, we began the half-hearted effort of calling out for her..."Wyndham? Wyndham? Come here, it's time to go".
When she didn't immediately appear, we once again began an annoyed scan of the kids area, expecting to hear giggling and see her streaking through the displays to "hide" from us. Sophia began to fuss as I strapped her in the car seat and Randy began to walk around in search of Wyndham. When Randy came back with a panicked look on his face, my stomach immediately dropped. Where did she go?
She was definitely not anywhere near the children's area anymore and we began exploring surrounding sections hoping she wasn't far. We looked for a few minutes and couldn't find a trace, nor was she responding to her name being called out. As panic rose, so did my blood pressure. I broke out into an immediate sweat as my pace picked up. We looked around the entire store a few times and still had no sign of her. All of the sudden, every single male in the store became my enemy...a potential predator who had perhaps watched our sweet little girl bouncing around the store waiting for the right moment....
Not long after, the prayers began...first internally, and then aloud as the store began spinning around us. People began to stare as our yelling got louder, "Wyndham! Wyndham Grace!" All in a matter of seconds I was retreating from a moment of peace about "how much faith I had"to taking everything back. I can leave my family, my job, my home for you God, but if something happens to her, this might be it. I'm finished. I won't, I can't survive this. Visions of police, an investigations, years of mourning began seeping in as I pleaded with God while ignoring the curious and sympathetic stares from others.
Many minutes had passed now, and just as my breathing began to reach a fevered pitch, Randy stopped dead in his tracks and ran down a narrow aisle in the music section. Wyndham was perched on a small step-stool in the corner with her chin in her hands pouting. All the emotions that I had been trying to keep zip-locked in came bursting out as I grabbed her little body and sobbed. I yelled, cried...I'm not even sure what happened. Once the fear began to dispel, my anger came out full-force. We lectured Wyndham about running away, giving her a three-point sermon on "strangers and tricky people". We told her that as soon as we got home, she would have to have a "pat on her buns"...a HARD one. She finally broke and cried about how she had wanted to clean up "by herself", but we did it for her anyway and how she was "so mad".
We scooped her up and brisked past a few onlookers on our way to the car. It took me quite a while to settle down from this scare. My adrenaline was coursing for at least an hour to follow. I felt like I needed to go run a few miles to work it off! After the girls were in bed that night, Randy and I exchanged stories of what was racing through our minds those few yet long minutes in the store. I admitted, embarrassingly, how my "rock solid" faith and heartfelt commitment to God had flown out of the window in a matter of a moment. How fickle I am! Now, giving myself some room, I know that I truly love God... but what a reminder of how much I have yet to grow. Though my first reaction was to throw myself at His mercy, how quickly I withdrew my commitment and devotion the longer we searched that store.
I once heard someone say that "if your faith can't survive tragedy, than your faith isn't surviving". The truth is, just like my rebellious yet wonderful preschooler, I need discipline. The only way your faith can grow is if you are put into situations that require you to use it to begin with. How thankful I am that others before me demonstrated faith. From Joseph to Abraham, from Rahab to Mary... all ordinary people living out their convictions and devotion. How thankful I am that God is faithful to His Word. Regardless of what would or could have happened that fateful day in Borders, God stays constant despite my inconsistency. How amazing and humbling it is to be a parent and perhaps taste what Our Father might feel when we turn not to Him, but instead to ourselves.
Deuteronomy 7:9 says, "Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." This wonderful promise, was written to the Israelites who don't have a great history of staying faithful to God either.
Sadly, faith isn't something that comes easily, or quickly. It's a lifelong process. One that is never finished. Ask anyone who is above the age of 70 and they will tell you that one could live a thousand years and never perfect their faith. Thankfully, there is hope. Jesus made a way for us to bridge the gap. We can live in peace and hope knowing that penalty has been paid and restoration awaits.
Revelations 21:1-7 paints a vivid picture of our future ahead--"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And He that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new....And he said unto me, It is done. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is a thirst of the fountain of the water of life freely. He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son."
The world as we know it, a world in which we must live by faith, will soon be replaced with a world in which we can dwell with Him for all of eternity---in a relationship--- face to face. There will be no question that there is a God. "Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that He is Lord".... I am anxiously awaiting this day.
In the meantime, may we all fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...." (Hebrews 12:2)
3 comments:
so how did it end?
Read on... I accidentally pressed "Publish" instead of SAVE...woops ;)
thank you for sharing this deidra... a good reminder to matt and i as we too are struggling with finances and my faith wavers so easily. i am so thankful wyndham was alright. i can imagine the anxiety that you were feeling!! love you guys
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